Kelsey Davis had been in plenty of tense meetings before. She had learned, sometimes the hard way, the importance of picking up on EQ signals – especially from your managers.
That’s why she felt her pulse spike the second Catherine, Diakon’s notoriously sharp Chief Strategy Officer, tilted her head at Kelsey’s project plan and said, “You’re making promises without checking dependencies”?
The Moment
It was Tuesday, 3:07 p.m. The leadership cohort had been gathered in the glass-walled conference room for their weekly project reviews. Sunlight slanted across the table, catching in the condensation on water glasses. The air had that charged, brittle quality of a group holding their breath.
Kelsey’s presentation was on the big screen – a clean, color-coded timeline she’d spent hours refining. She’d been proud of it, right up until Catherine started asking questions.
The old story began immediately in Kelsey’s head: She thinks you’re not as prepared as you should be. She’s questioning your competence. You’re losing credibility in front of everyone.
Her instinct? Smile, nod, get through the meeting, then quietly adjust things later so no one could see the seams. It was her standard play: avoid the sting, avoid the scene.
The Backstory: How Avoidance Costs You
This wasn’t the first time Kelsey had been here.
She’d once received last minute, critical feedback from another of her managers about an oversight in a client deliverable. She’d swallowed the discomfort, assured him she’d fix it, then went off and worked all night to cover the gap herself.
The client was happy. Her manager was none the wiser. But the unspoken problem remained – a process issue that threatened and slowed every project. Avoidance had kept the peace in the moment but cost her (and the company) countless hours of urgent, stressful work later.
The Pivot
On this day, though, Kelsey thought back to a coffee shop conversation she’d had months earlier with Brandi, the barista who wasn’t afraid to say out loud what wasn’t working. She remembered advising Brandi on the importance of leaning in instead of backing away in the face of conflict (something the barista had unfortunately been dealing with a lot at the coffee shop).
She exhaled slowly.
“You’re right,” Kelsey said evenly to Catherine. “I didn’t confirm all the dependencies. Can I walk you through the ones I have locked down so we can spot the gaps?”
Catherine’s eyebrow flicked up. A pause. Then she nodded.
“Yes. Let’s do that.”
The air shifted. The rest of the group relaxed. This wasn’t going to be a public takedown. The story of today’s meeting would be one of collaboration.
What Really Happened There
Kelsey didn’t just recognize and avoid her defensive reaction, she reframed the conversation. By choosing curiosity over combat, she turned Catherine from a critic into a partner in solving the problem.
That’s not just a “nice” thing to do. It’s a leadership move.
Three Lessons You Can Use
1. Defensiveness is a door-slammer.
When we react by protecting our ego, we shut down the other person’s willingness to help. Defensiveness says: I care more about being right than getting it right.
Try this: Before responding, mentally replace “They’re criticizing me” with “They’re offering data I can use.”
2. Curiosity changes the energy.
Questions invite engagement. When you ask for details, you signal that you’re invested in finding a better solution, not just defending the status quo.
Try this: Use an opener like:
“Tell me more about what’s making you say that.”
“Can you walk me through what you’re seeing?”
3. Clarity builds trust.
Every time you face conflict without retreating, you prove that you can handle hard moments. Over time, that makes people more willing to be candid with feedback for you. That candor is gold for leadership development.
A Courage Practice Plan
If courageous conversations make your stomach flip, you’re not alone. Here’s a one-week practice challenge:
Day 1–2: Notice your triggers. Write down the situations or phrases that instantly put you on the defensive.
Day 3–4: Reframe. For each trigger, jot down 1–2 neutral questions you could ask instead of reacting.
Day 5–6: Test in low-stakes settings. Practice your neutral questions in everyday disagreements even with friends or family.
Day 7: Try it at work. Pick one meeting or conversation where you deliberately replace defensiveness with curiosity.
(Let me know how it goes!)
The Takeaway
The day Kelsey stopped taking conflict personally wasn’t the day she stopped caring. It was the day she stopped letting her ego block her career opportunities.
And that shift from being right to getting it right is the kind of courageous leadership move that changes teams, and organizations.
Because in the end, courageous conversations aren’t about avoiding the sting. They’re about finding the truth faster, so everyone can get back to doing the work that matters.